BILL O'REILLY
by FeetsWiththeBeat
Summary: A new girl goes to South Park. I do not own South Park or BILL O'REILLY
1. Chapter 1

I wuz walkin into da South Park skool when every1 turned to luk at me. I culdnt blam them, I luked so sexi wif my clear ivory skin, my long flowing brown hare dat luked like caramel in da wind and my piercing grey eyes. I wuz so thin I luked like a Meth addict but my boobs were a size F. I didn't get back aches tho like all da other bitches wif big boobs.

"OMFG LUK AT DA NEW GURL!" Cartman yelled out, Stan wuz wagging his tong like a dawg and Kenny wuz mastabating under da desk. Even Mr Garrison wuz mastabiting and he's gay!

"Stop mastabting! She's not dat grate!" I heard a voice behind me say. I wiped around, it wuz…BILL O'REILLY! I wuz rely mad, I did't like BILL O'REILLY becuz he had always mad fun of me for bein a democrat.

"Shut up BILL O'REILLY!" I scramed b4 pulling out my machete and cutting his hare off wif it, he then ran out crying.

"Wut iz ur name?" Butters, a stooped ugly boi wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt asked.

"Mah nam is Victorianna Diamond Sage Priscilla Mayfield but everyone calls me Anna." I sed.

I culd see dat all da boys and gurls were getting a boner over just da sound of my name!

I giggled and started 2 do mah work, I always get straight A's so I new dat I wuz going to get an A dis time!

After class, I ran out and strted 2 go 2 lunch!

AN: I hope u enjoyed it!


	2. Chapter 2

Wen I entered da cafeteria, Tolkien, Clyde and Craig all glared at me bcuz dey were Republicans. I toke out my machete and cut all der hair off! B4 I culd cut off Clyde's hair though, his girlfriend Bonnie ran up and den dey ran uff like da Republican Outlaws dey are!

"Cum sit wif me Anna!" Butters yelled, I egnored him, he wuz a Republican. I wuz sad dat most of da skool were Republicans I knew dat Kenny wuz a Democrat and so wuz Stan, Cartman wuz a Republican and I wasn't sure wat Kyle wuz. He wuz Jewish so I figured he'd be a Democrat but he wuz also kind of rich so he might be a Republican. I den settled on dat he would be an Independent and dat wuz okay wif me.

I went and sat between Kenny and Stan since dey were Democrats, Stan's Republican gf Wendy glared at me. I cut off her hair wif my machete and she ran off crying wif Stan at her heels. I growled under my breathe maybe Stan was secretly a Republican! B4 I culd ponder on it any longer, da bell rang and it wuz time to go bk to class.

AN: Dat is all I'm going to write for today I mite write more latr if I get inspiration!


	3. Chapter 3

Wile I wuz walkin to class I wuz lezzin to 'From the Inside' by Richard Marx on my Mp3 player. Nichole wuz lezzin to it too we are da only blk gurls in dis skool so we hav to stick togetha.

"Y r u datin dat Republican Tolkien?" I asked her sinz she is a Democrat.

"Well, I didn't want to at first but den we realised dat we're not dat different afta all, maybe u should stop judging ppl based on wut der political preferences are." She suggested. I gased wif shock! I culdnt belief dat my onli friend at da skool had called ME judgemental!

"OMFG U SUK!" I yelled ripping mah Mp3 player out of her ear. Princiapl Victoria came and confiscated it nd told us to get to class or she wuld call da SUPERIDENIDENT!

Da rest of da skol was so buring a bunch of Republicans shat tlked me and I told dem to suck an egg. Afta skool I went hom and my motha was tlkin on da phone, she sounded all serious.

"Victorianna, I have sum bad news." She sed wif a distraught look on her face.

"Wut is it?" I asked worriedly.

"We hav to move to Texas ur grandma lives der and she iz rly sick she needs someone to tak care of her."

I HAD A CONNIPTION!

Texas is da Republican capital of da world! It has dat stupid guy Rick Perry as Government! I remembered dat commercial dat her did wer he wuz talkin bad about gay ppl while wearing a Brokeback Mountain jacket!

"WE KANT MOVE DER!" I started to sob furiously. Den, mah mother strted to laff.

"I just kiddin we aren't going to Texas we r goin to NEW YORK!" She yelled.

I wuz so happeh New York is full of Democrats and der Governor, Andrew Cuomo is a rely HAWT Democrat.  
"U GET TO BRING A FREND TOO!" She shouted. I squealed and went to kall Nichole to tell her abut da good news!


	4. Chapter 4

"Hallo?" A man answered da fone.

"Is Nichole der?" I asked.

"Hold on." He sed. B4 Nichole culd cum to da fone do my motha came in wif a constipated luk on her face.

"We can't go 2 New York afta all." She sed sadly.  
"What? Why not?" I asked wif tears rolling down mah mahogany face.

"Bcuz our bitchy neighbours parked coorked and den I beat their car up and now I have to use our trip money to pay for it!" My motha explained. I wuz so mad I hung up da fone b4 Nichole had a chance to get der. I hated my neighbours dey thot dey were so perfet but dey weren't! Dey left rubbish and dirty diapers by der door!

I decided dat I wuld get my revenge on dem for ruining mah chance to marry Andrew Cuomo! Der is dis new law dat sayz if someone kallz da police more den 3 timez dey will be evicted! Afta dinna, we had roast, green beans, and cornbread, I snuk into da neighbour's house as silent as a goat, dey didn't even see neyfing! I kalled da police from der phone three times and den I snuk out agin. I wuz happeh when da police came and evicted dem.

A month lata dey died from scabies and typhoid from digging and eatin in da trash. I wuz so happeh becuz dat ment dat my motha didn't have to pay for der car enymore and now we culd go to New York again!

AN: eskie02, maybe if u adjust ur screen u can red it better.

Guest, turn dat frown upside down!

Thx 4 reviewing!


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I got my brother to help me with the spelling so it will be more eligible. **

"Everyone sit down and shut up!" Mr Garrison said with an irritated look on his wrinkly face.

"We have a new student today." He said.  
WHAT! I thought to myself, this was an outrage! How dare this new girl come and try to upstage me, I was the new girl of the year, ME not some two bit whore from wherever the f she's from.

"Konnichiwa." **(AN: I probably spelled that wrong but I don't know Japanese nor do I have any desire to learn, I'm sorry but it's just not something that peaks my interest.)** A girl with an acne covered face, yellow teeth, and ratty dyed black hair wearing a blue kimono said.

"You look kawaii bitches!" She said to that bimbo Bebe and that Republican Wendy who were sitting in the front roll. I rolled my eyes, this girl was a total weaboo, they are SO annoying. It annoyed me to no end when people tried to pretend like they were from a heritage they weren't. I once went to school with a Chinese boy who pretended to be black….let's just say he isn't around anymore haha.

"Why are you rollin your eyes at me, black girl chan?" She asked. I gasped and took out my machete and cut off her hair! Only, I didn't cut off her hair, I ended up cutting off her head!  
The police came and took me to jail, before they could put me in a cell though; I did some epic gymnastics moves and escaped! Everyone was so impressed that they let me go free. Not only that, but I even got interviews with people like Good Morning America, CNN, and Dateline NBC! Bill O'Reilly offered me an interview but I told him to go suck an egg because he's a Republican.

On the day of my Good Morning America interview, I heard a knock at the door, when I answered it, I gasped!

It was…..


	6. Chapter 6

ABRAHAM LINCOLN!

"Omg what are you doing here? I thought you were dead!" I gasped in shock; it took all my will power to not pass out right there, Abraham Lincoln was my favourite president after Franklin Roosevelt because he had helped free the slaves.

"I am a ghost, Anna; I only come to help people who are in desperate need to see things in a new light. I once helped your classmate Kyle." He said.

"What do I need help with? I'm beautiful, I have many friends, I have loving parents and I am going to go to New York soon where I will marry the amazing Andrew Cuomo." I said.

"I am talking about your hatred of Republicans." He said. I rolled my eyes and scoffed,

"Who wouldn't hate them? They try to control your lives like they say gay people can't get married, they say that women can't get abortions, it's like they use the bible for their argument in everything but not everyone is a Christian or a Catholic!"

"I was a Republican."

At first I felt like crying at the sound of his words, I just couldn't believe it! There was no way my second favourite president was a Republican! Then I thought, hey, Abraham Lincoln is dead! There's no way that can be him, it's probably just Craig and his stupid friends playing a joke on me. I figured it was Craig since he is the tallest boy in the school and he is about as tall as Abraham Lincoln who at 6'4 was the tallest president.

"Very funny, Craig." I said before slamming the door in his face.

"No! You have to listen! If you don't do as I say then something very bad will happen!" Abraham Lincoln, who I now knew was Craig, yelled through the door.

I sighed and rolled my eyes before going upstairs to take a nice long hot bath.

**AN: I will try to make the chapters longer soon. **


	7. Chapter 7

When I went to school the next morning, I gasped in shock when I saw that the whole school had been painted red with pictures of elephants all over it. The only presidents mentioned in the History books in History class were the Republican presidents like George Bush, Herbert Hoover, Benjamin Harrison, and even ABRAHAM LINCOLN!

I couldn't believe my ears; Abraham Lincoln really was a Republican!

I quickly tried to run out of the school but the doors were blocked by giant poster cut outs of Richard Nixon and James Garfield!

Suddenly, a voice came over the intercom, it sounded just like a euphonium!

"I warned you Anna, I warned you something very bad would happen but you chose not to heed my warning. The bad thing hasn't happened yet, but I turned the world into a Republican only world to scare you into taking this seriously."

I gasped; I thought that THIS was the bad thing that was going to happen, what could be worse than THIS?

Suddenly, Kyle walked up looking very solemn,

"You must listen to him Anna, I didn't listen to him and I almost got all my friends killed in the process."

"I don't care! I only care about getting the world back to the way it's supposed to be." I snapped.

"The only way you can get the world back to the way it's supposed to be is to befriend a Republican." Abraham Lincoln cackled.

I gulped, if I wanted the world back to being almost perfect, then I'd have to befriend a REPUBLICAN!

I knew just who I'd befriend.


End file.
